Creating a dilemma and changing my mindset

I weighed myself this morning.  I gained four pounds from the last time I weighed myself.  The problem is, my mindset is twisted and I have no idea how to untwist that mindset.  It is a difficult thing to do.  It will probably the most difficult thing that I will have to do.  I have no idea or plan to lose weight.  However, my heart is in it to lose weight.  Right now, however, I have made no plans because I love "celebrating" the holidays and I realize that I have a relationship with food that I cannot explain.  I don't know the reason why I love to eat unhealthy foods.  I have difficulty pin pointing the reason.  I cannot say it is for comfort or boredom, though that could be a reason.  I realize that I need to change but the truth is, I don't want to.  I have become too complacent. I am comfortable at my size.  I have on the other hand created a dilemma for myself.

I need to exercise as well but I have grown complacent, too complacent in fact.  For a long time, I feel like I have wasted a lot of time staying overweight because of fear or some other reason thus the procrastination.  I wonder if quitting exercise and eating unhealthy is about something else.  I know I didn't talk about exercise much, but I know that I need to.  I have the equipment but I have no clue when I should use them.  Every time I began to exercise, it is fun at first, but I end up quitting like right now.  I don't want to exercise despite the fact that it feels great to do it.  It helps with my moods and my physical being.  However, suddenly I begin to drop off.  I have been living that fear for years. I don't want to do that anymore. This time, I want to finally be certain.