Would have been a day of rest

Today is a rest day.  However, picking up a weight or two is good for pain, especially having a disc degeneration problem.  Even a few minutes of exercise is quite good.  I wish I had heavier weights, but I am satisfied with the weights that I have.  I feel great since I did some exercising, and trust me, even five minutes using weights continually without a break is a small workout.  Now I wonder about the HIIT workout.  Would it be way too advanced for me?

Today's reflection

A little bit of dancing does a body good.  I am not a great dancer, but I am glad to have at least moved a muscle.  I am now having an interest in Yoga and Pilates.  I am not sure how similar or how different they are.  I need to check them out.  Are they both spiritual in nature?  Can they both help me to lose weight?  I even tried a yoga pose, which is quite difficult to do.  I am doing okay so far, and I don't feel like I am going to procrastinate or feel bad about anything else.

Goals and plans and pain

My goal number I admittedly changes.  One minute I want to lose 70 lbs, then I want to lose 50 lbs, and now I want to lose 80 lbs.  Maybe that has been an issue.  Maybe I should just start with 2, 5, or 10 lbs at a time.  That way, the goal will be realistic and more attainable.  I really don't know how much I want to lose or weigh in the long run.  However, I did manage to do a few stretches.  Even though I didn't burn many calories, my back felt better.  I have dealt with back pain going back a while.  I have had diagnosed as having lumbar and cervical disc degeneration.  Even though I would like to  just get rid of this pain I guess I will have to deal with it.  Exercise has so far alleviated my pain.  I hope I can get to the point where exercise can cure it.

I am doing so much better.

Right now, I am only starting off slow.  I am over 300 pounds and I am considered super morbidly obese.  I am worried about myself.  I have every reason to exercise and diet.  This is an issue that I have to face.  I am lazy, that is true.  I am also not ready to diet, exercise, and therefore, lose weight, that is true, too.  I have broken a chair.  I don't walk as fast as I should.  My health isn't optimal as I am diabetic.  I also have high blood cholesterol and high blood sugar.  I have tried everything.  In fact, this is my third time trying Weight Watchers.  I am okay now, but I have made no progress, no matter how hard I try.  I just want to give up.  Nothing has made me realize that I need to lose weight. I don't have that one moment that would make me say, "I need to lose".  I have that voice in my head that is non-existent and I just don't know why I am doing.  Was I losing weight, or trying to please other people or compare myself to others?  Am I really doing it for myself?  There are just times when I feel like I am only existing.  I hate having this feeling.  I just cannot take it anymore.

Today:
I finally realize what has been wrong with me all along.  I have been feeling so frustrated for so long that I failed to see that as a believer, I have a God who can take care of me.  I have been burdened by this.  I have made a confession earlier and it has made me feel down.  On the other hand, it seems like I was unleashing.  I even sounded rather silly considering all that I have written.  Anyways, I would like to exercise more, because I want to be fit and in shape.  I don't want to be invisible and feel like I just "exist" anymore.  I am still on Weight Watchers and I would like to lose 80 pounds.  I have tried to lose weight many times to the point where I still ended up frustrated.  I know that I have to do some of the work myself.  Exercise isn't just an option.

How I am really feeling right now

Right now, I am only starting off slow.  I am over 300 pounds and I am considered super morbidly obese.  I am worried about myself.  I have every reason to exercise and diet.  This is an issue that I have to face.  I am lazy, that is true.  I am also not ready to diet, exercise, and therefore, lose weight, that is true, too.  I have broken a chair.  I don't walk as fast as I should.  My health isn't optimal as I am diabetic.  I also have high blood cholesterol and high blood sugar.  I have tried everything.  In fact, this is my third time trying Weight Watchers.  I am okay now, but I have made no progress, no matter how hard I try.  I just want to give up.  Nothing has made me realize that I need to lose weight. I don't have that one moment that would make me say, "I need to lose".  I have that voice in my head that is non-existent and I just don't know why I am doing.  Was I losing weight, or trying to please other people or compare myself to others?  Am I really doing it for myself?  There are just times when I feel like I am only existing.  I hate having this feeling.  I just cannot take it anymore.

Too busy waiting

I am waiting too much.  I am waiting for the gym.  I am waiting for the exercise equipment.  I am just waiting.  It does seem that this is all just a set of excuses.  They are.  I can try more and more exercises.  Maybe I won't get bored with them, or at least with exercise.  All I have to do is to push myself even further than I have which is almost none of the time.

Workout...Work out

"A workout is a work out for a reason."  It requires much hard work and discipline.  How do I change my discipline?  How do I change my mind about what challenges working out present?  The answer is to make exercise more fun.  I tend to make exercise more of a chore.  I used to enjoy working out, but what am I waiting for?  It is up to me to change and to make it easier.  The problem is, where do I begin?

Need to change

I saw reflections of me this morning.  It was not helpful but it was helpful.  Exercise has been helpful as well as beneficial.  Not only will I feel fit, but I will look fit.  That is all for today.

Today's workout reflection

I realize that 20 minutes of exercise with weights is an equivalent to me of "feeling the burn".  It was not difficult.  It involved my trusty weights and some squats and lunges.  However, the instructor used 10-lb. and 20-lb. weights.  What I have is quite heavy enough.  That's okay.  I look forward to tomorrow's workout.  It was quite the workout.  I even scored 3 fitness points on Weight Watchers. That was excellent at least for me.

Anything is.

I have learned that even after a burn, the pain lessens.  I have worked on my back for 5 minutes this afternoon.  So far, I feel pretty good.  I have yet to do any exercises from a tape or DVD or video. However, I feel like I need to whenever I finally realize that there are many benefits to exercise.  So far, using those 3-lb. weights worked.  That is just all I have for now.  I realize that it is just best to start off slow.  It is better than staying sedentary.  Anything is.

What I have done today

There is absolutely no benefit to being sedentary.  There is much benefit to not being sedentary. Simple as that.  I did raise those weights and used them.  Yes, they are not sitting there collecting dust.  That is what I was afraid of.  I was afraid of money being wasted on equipment that I was not going to use.  I wasn't sure if I would like them but I do.  They are only 3 lbs. but they are a good starting weight.  They are so light but I'm sure over time I will notice how much lighter they seem.  By the way, I lost three pounds since I have started.  The truth is, I feel pretty good about my accomplishment.  Yes, to me, three pounds is an accomplishment.  To me, it is better than being sedentary and not losing weight at all.

Re-post from 1/8/16

Father,

I believed that yesterday, I have been honest.  However, I believe now that I have been asking amiss. I need to take care of my body.  I know how to do that.  I have made the conscious choice not to do it. I have made no plans to better myself and I want to better myself.  I would like nothing more than to change.  I need to know that excuses and fear are things that I have allowed to hold me back.  I don't want that anymore.  I not only ask for increased faith, freedom from fear and doubt, but I also ask You for healing.  I believe that exercise could also be used for healing.  I need to take better care of myself.  I look back and I see a person who has potential.  I also see that I procrastinate too much. It would be nice to have the tenacity of a trainer, the knowledge of a chef, and the wisdom and faith of people who have made accomplishments as far as exercise and taking care of my overall self.  I have the knowledge that I need to exercise, but I ask You for the wisdom to have and to live beyond my years on this planet.  I also ask for Godly awareness.  Open my eyes and give me a fresh pair of eyes so that I no longer see exercise as drudgery, as a chore.  I want to learn to love and appreciate exercise and the benefits of exercise.  I want to listen to the doctor's advice and actually do it. Change me and use me, Lord.  Help me to not focus on what is fleshly but to live a life that is pleasing to You.  It sounded weird for now, but my prayer is that I don't ask amiss, even for a topic like exercise. I also ask for the motivation that I so need to exercise.  I want to be fit and finally in shape.  Give me and teach me how to love myself and respect myself, regardless of size.  I believe that that is one motivation to exercise.  Most of all, I also ask not just for a healthy and healing, but for a healthy mind and a healthy relationship with You, regardless if I weigh over 300 pounds or only 100 pounds. I thank You for giving me the opportunity to listen and answer prayers.  I praise You and give You thanks that I feel so much better since writing this prayer.  Thank You,

In Jesus' name,


Amen

Re-post from 1/13/16

I have not exercised today.  I read an article about motion and action.  The problem is with exercise it isn't just a motion and action thing.  It is not just about a schedule to follow, it is about being spontaneous.  I am not a spontaneous person and I have a lot to learn about myself.  I realize that life is way too short.  I believe that I will get better.  I slept much of the day since I was so tired and in pain. I literally spent two days in pain.  Tomorrow, I realize that because of all of this pain, I have to take action.  I guess this reflection is an example of motion, but going out there tomorrow and walking or using my weights would be an example of taking action.  Writing things down is motion and a form of release and healing, but allowing myself to be motivated and doing the work is action. Personally I like action very much right now.

Motion and Action article

I have not exercised today.  I read an article about motion and action.  The problem is with exercise it isn't just a motion and action thing.  It is not just about a schedule to follow, it is about being spontaneous.  I am not a spontaneous person and I have a lot to learn about myself.  I realize that life is way too short.  I believe that I will get better.  I slept much of the day since I was so tired and in pain. I literally spent two days in pain.  Tomorrow, I realize that because of all of this pain, I have to take action.  I guess this reflection is an example of motion, but going out there tomorrow and walking or using my weights would be an example of taking action.  Writing things down is motion and a form of release and healing, but allowing myself to be motivated and doing the work is action. Personally I like action very much right now.

My break today

Today and tomorrow I am taking a break.  I am of the view that My own view has been holding me back.  I have more than enough reason to exercise.  Today, my back has gotten worse.  I hope nothing worse has happened.  I guess that it is in those times that I realize that whenever I don't feel like it, I need to not even let that hold me back.  So, now I know where to begin.

Today's reflection

Well, I have yet to walking or dance, though I have tried today.  I think.  I did do a couple of squats and strength training.  It wasn't that much for most people but today, I realize that 2-5 minutes of strength training did me some good.  Sadly I did not get to do as much exercise as I would like. I promised no longer make excuses or even ask questions that I should know the answer or answers to. I get a bit worried whenever I feel like or fail to work out on proposed day or hour.  I admit to feeling like a failure at those times.  That is that all-or-nothing black-and-white mindset that I have.  I have just learned today that my thinking overall is holding me back.  

No matter what..

 5 minutes worth of walking
 2  mintues woth of strength training
 3 minutes worth of dancing
 Total 10 minutes.

Well, I tried.  Maybe what was mentioned to me was true.  I have been making many excuses, but I denied so.  Maybe procrastination has been an excuse.  Ten minutes per day is a good beginning.  I am not the greatest dancer but those 3 minutes were the most fun I have ever had.  Ten minutes is absolutely nothing compared to what I haven't done, which is nothing.  I have been sedentary for a long time now and ten minutes is only a good start.  However much fun I had this morning, I even get tempted not even to do ten minutes of exercise.  I guess that is how little exercise I have done.  Well, those few minutes are a good start.  Now if only I learn to eat healthier.  Strangely, I weighed myself this morning and I lost 2 lbs.  How did that happen?

My very short exercise plan

 5 minutes worth of walking
 2  mintues woth of strength training
 3 minutes worth of dancing
 Total 10 minutes

I know it seems like it is not enough exercise, and I realize that it is not.  However, I am glad that no matter how small, it will be a good start.  I really would like to lose weight.  I realize that I won't be burning many calories either.  It seems like I would start off slow, and I am.  But I realize that I can at least find something to do. Right now, I know I can do it, even if for 10 minutes.

Prayer of confidence

Father,

I believed that yesterday, I have been honest.  However, I believe now that I have been asking amiss. I need to take care of my body.  I know how to do that.  I have made the conscious choice not to do it. I have made no plans to better myself and I want to better myself.  I would like nothing more than to change.  I need to know that excuses and fear are things that I have allowed to hold me back.  I don't want that anymore.  I not only ask for increased faith, freedom from fear and doubt, but I also ask You for healing.  I believe that exercise could also be used for healing.  I need to take better care of myself.  I look back and I see a person who has potential.  I also see that I procrastinate too much. It would be nice to have the tenacity of a trainer, the knowledge of a chef, and the wisdom and faith of people who have made accomplishments as far as exercise and taking care of my overall self.  I have the knowledge that I need to exercise, but I ask You for the wisdom to have and to live beyond my years on this planet.  I also ask for Godly awareness.  Open my eyes and give me a fresh pair of eyes so that I no longer see exercise as drudgery, as a chore.  I want to learn to love and appreciate exercise and the benefits of exercise.  I want to listen to the doctor's advice and actually do it. Change me and use me, Lord.  Help me to not focus on what is fleshly but to live a life that is pleasing to You.  It sounded weird for now, but my prayer is that I don't ask amiss, even for a topic like exercise. I also ask for the motivation that I so need to exercise.  I want to be fit and finally in shape.  Give me and teach me how to love myself and respect myself, regardless of size.  I believe that that is one motivation to exercise.  Most of all, I also ask not just for a healthy and healing, but for a healthy mind and a healthy relationship with You, regardless if I weigh over 300 pounds or only 100 pounds. I thank You for giving me the opportunity to listen and answer prayers.  I praise You and give You thanks that I feel so much better since writing this prayer.  Thank You,

In Jesus' name,


Amen

What I should have confessed a long time ago

Lord,
I have become self conscious, yet I hate exercise.  I need help. I don't usually ask for help in this blog, but I am in need .I lack guidance and I need to change.I am not strong yet I have no idea what I need from You, but I know that I need to get over.  I am not confident.  I guess that my mindset needs to change. I have some of the equipment needed to begin an exercise program.  I hate that I have a hatred for working out.  I used to at least enjoy some semblance of a workout but I no longer have that desire.  I would like for that to be not just restored but renewed as well.  I want to lose weight and exercise and healthy eating are my goals for now.  Like with food, I also need to not take things for granted.  I want to have a healthy relationship with not only food but with working out.  The truth is, I am afraid of what is really going on with me now.  I already know the benefits. I also need to know that I can benefit from even five to 10 minutes of exercise.  I have lost the motivation to exercise and keep doing it.  What I do need is a change of mindset and a change in thinking that I am just lazy.  If I am lazy, then I would have nothing to be proud of.  It starts with having no real goals to actually exercise, even when it calls for following a even simpler five minute exercise plan.  I often if not, always see exercise as an all-or-nothing chore.  I have a black and white mindset and my goal is to overcome that mindset, but I just don't know how.  My strict mindset is telling me to not do it, but I need the strength and the will to do it.  I need that, Lord, but where to begin?

In Jesus' name,


Amen

I can do this.

I often feel like I am a weakling.  I allowed the world to walk all over me.  I was given the advice to exercise.  However, I have not done so today.  Gee, now I know why.  The reason wasn't laziness, but a lack of confidence.  That lack of confidence in fulfilling my goals.  I realize that I have received help and an answer or two to my prayers.  I know that the above picture has a lot to do with my life now.

A sedentary person who needs change

I realize that the fewer calories I eat, the more I realize that it is caused by my being sedentary. This is due to a relationship between activity and calories.  Well if I want to eat more food and drink more, then I better get out there.  Also, I better get out there.  It isn't like I cannot do it.  It is sad that I don't do it.  It is not easy for me to go out there and exercise.  It is even harder for me to have these reasons to exercise sink in.  There are motivations and reasons to exercise, which have not registered.  That is the sad part.  I need help.

Reflections from today 1/3/16

The truth is, I have been sedentary, so I didn't do much today.  I weigh over 300 pounds, which means for my height, I am obese.  I never thought that I would let myself go like this.  I am scared. I admit that I don't know how to plan.  Maybe at least I should try not only one the diet and exercise blog, but in this one as well.  Following this plan should not be so hard.  I guess it shouldn't be so hard.  I admire people who don't have short attention spans who take the time to workout and work hard.  Because of that short attention span, I will have to be even more tenacious.  That is something that I need to and hopefully will overcome.  The real issue is, if I am ready to lose weight  The truth is, because of my fear and anxiety of the large undertaking of losing weight, it will be a challenge. I don't like challenges very much.  However, I don't want to say that I am automatically lazy simply because I am fat.  However, I have done a good job of putting myself down whenever I admit something.  That has got to stop.  If I can no longer ask questions, then I know that I can and will be, ready.

Entry for today, 1/2/16

I prayed about the fact that I need some change in my life, including exercise, and diet as well.  I have a couple of dumbbells that were given to me as a gift for Christmas.  I am forever thankful for these dumbbells.  Today I finally used those weights.  Now I don't know how many calories I burned using those weights.  But when I used those weights at least, I used to have thoughts that were not obsessive.  I guess that it is something that is good for me.  I started lifting those weights around 11:30 this morning while I was watching a movie.  The movie was okay but it wasn't like the original. I felt a burn using these weights doing a few repetitions.  I even thought about using them for lunges and other exercises as well. At least today,

I don't have any negative feelings about exercise.  One of the major issues I have is a fear of failure.  I need help in seeing that failure is a part of life, I guess. I do know that I have failed and so have most of humanity has failed or made a mistake.  I am a flawed human being and I don't like to lose or fail.  It is a part of the all or nothing mindset that I have.  It is a trigger to what is really wrong with me when it comes to exercise.

I cannot wait for others to do the work for me.  I have to do at least some of the work myself.  I have been asking a series of questions about what I need to do.  I need help in doing even the simplest of tasks which is a struggle.  So trying to do the simplest thing, which is to stay with doing exercise, is quite hard.  I have waited for others to do things for me only for me to be "rendered" powerless.  I finally realize that the need to do things by myself and sometimes go at it alone can be productive but can also be counterproductive as well.  I also believe that accountability while my taking action is productive.

Maybe instead of waiting, I could at least start off slow.  Today I did at least 10 reps on both arms today.  All I have to say is wow, those weights are not light by any stretch.  I guess that I have been out of shape and 3 lbs. per weight should at least be light.  Today, I am just grateful that I actually have the weights.  I am also grateful that I actually did something useful, even for a minute.

Exercise Journal

I have been looking through my journal and I have read or at least looked through the article about the fear of failure.  Maybe failure is what is helping me.  In a way, I realize that I have a fear to overcome.  It is a challenge that I know all too well.  In my mind fear has been a way of my giving up.  But hopefulness has always been a virtue of mine.  Maybe I should journal down everything and I mean, everything about my exercise habits, my exercise time and results, the effects of exercise, and also what would trigger me to stop.  There is so much I can write about exercise in this particular blog.  I still don't have a specific blog like a chef or trainer, but like I said, it is still my blog.  I am in control of what I put in this blog.  "I run this."