Friday, August 5, 2016

Things to Consider

Consider schedule for week.
Consider how much time to exercise.
Consider what exercises I am able to do.
Consider the time of day when to exercise.
Consider my mindset period.
Consider my health.
Consider if I am in need of equipment for said exercise such as shoes or weights.
Consider the length of the actual exercise.
Consider if I am able to exercise that long.
Consider why I think exercise, in my mind, is still somewhat drudgery.
Consider what my own motivation is to exercise.
Consider my emotional and physical state during exercise.             
Consider how I am supposed to gauge how much work I have done.
Consider my results and not forget to log them.
Consider the number of times to exercise per day.

I can exercise at least 6 days this week, but since I am a beginner, I could settle for no more than 3 days per week. I have all day to exercise during those three days.  I have equipment, I can walk, and I can learn how to dance, maybe even on the same day for about 15-30 minutes a day.  I don't want to stay at 15-30 minutes per day, but right now, I am and have become a sedentary person.  I have gotten use to structure and stopping.  Maybe I need to do something different, like exercise every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday for 30 minutes a day walking and dancing to Cize. The sad thing is, unless I am at a computer, I get quite bored.  I don't want to stay bored outside of my computer.  I need to find out what it is I like to do other than what little I do throughout the course of a day, which isn't much.  I have the equipment for walking, lifting weights, and recording the time of exercise and the number of calories burned.  I finally realize that I can exercise for more than 10 minutes in a day, and burn at least 300 + calories.  My other goal is to be able to enjoy the successes that I have.

The truth is, I need to relax and just let go.  I hate boredom.  I hate being bored.  I would like to stick to something and enjoy it like I do listening to music and surfing the internet.  I would to actually go places and meet new friends.  I also realize that what is really holding me back is the limits that I have placed on myself such as guilt, and what I have learned or haven't learned because of my age. I am not a spring chicken, but I am still young.  I am no longer 20-something or even 30-something. The truth is, there is nothing I can do about being 20, 30, or 35 anymore.  I am 40+ and I don't just want to be treated fairly, like an adult.

I have been cooped up in this house for the rest of my days with a cat.  The idea of the old maid comes to mind.  I know I am going off topic here, but my point is, if I want to set realistic goals, I have to have a mindset that is based on reality.  Here are some truths: I have lied, denied, and may have made excuses.  I have been feeling guilty about gaining weight, when in fact, some of it isn't really just my fault.  I DO have a hormonal condition.  I CAN and WILL do something about it.  I have begun to actually hate to exercise, but I also have to admit, I AM ABLE to see and do things in a different light.  The truth is, I am motivated to exercise now more than ever.  I just don't to write it, think it, or just be inspired by it.  I want to do it.

It is as if every time I try to do something, I have learned it is based on a structure that I have mentally or physically put up for myself.  I either set the bar too high or set the bar too low.  Either way, I couldn't attain it.  Considering having physical health problems as much as emotional issues, exercise could be of great benefit to me.  I know that today is only a reflection, but the above list in red are things that I need to consider if I wish to be fit and healthy, not worry if my life would have been better if I weren't fat.  

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Focus

It is time I get back to exercising.  It is also time for me to focus on myself.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

July 5 re-post

I know that this is my blog, but I have come to realize that some changes need to be made.  It has become a blog about what everything else other than what an exercise blog is supposed to be about, and that is exercise.  I have spent a lot of that time complaining and posting articles, which has said much about my mindset.  It is okay to reflect and post results, but I was hoping for something more to offer, like maybe a change of title.  Anything has to be more productive than this blog.  It is more about me than an exercise routine or results.  I do want to follow an exercise routine.  I want to follow plans.  I guess that I should be okay with what I have, but if I were reading my blog, I would wonder where are the routines and other reflections about specified exercises.  The problem is, I want to have fitness goals that stick.  I don't like the daily grind about doing an exercise here and there hoping that it will be productive.  I would like to be a person who has made no excuses.

The real truth is, I have made excuses.  Here I am, someone who really has no clue what it is like to keep exercising and keep moving forward.  I read other people's exercise blogs and sadly, I see a blog that pails in comparison to theirs.  They are fit people who have health advice.  I have little health advice to offer at this point. I can give viewpoints and reflections, and even results, but as far as being physically fit, I cannot.  Yet I know that this is my blog.  I have become as self-conscious about my appearance as I have about this blog.  I wish I could tell myself to get over it, but just getting over it is not that simple.  I have had this mindset that is all or nothing.  I hope not, but I guess I am too much of a fatalist.

I am only 5'1.5" tall and weigh 300 + pounds.  I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS for short.  I have tried to overcome and have struggled with poor eating habits, a hormonal condition, stress, illness, and a lack of exercise.  I would love to say that I am fat and lazy, and I wonder if others say the same thing about me.  Over the years my self-esteem has lowered and I have become more self-conscious.  I am confused about having this condition and often times I feel guilty about being the way that I am.  I guess that an all-or-nothing mindset would equal an even greater struggle to lose weight than most.  I realize that there are things about me that I can easily change, like drink more water, but automatically giving up or cutting back on processed food is a major struggle since much of the US diet is processed.  I wish I could lift like a bodybuilder or dance well, but even that is a struggle.

I guess what I am saying is that I realize that there is a fine line in my case between being honest and making excuses.  I want to thicken that fine line just once.  If I could do it right now, I would.  I would like to just go out there and do it.  Maybe it is time to push myself like no one or nothing has, pushed me.  I have failed, but I also realize that it doesn't have to make me a quitter or a failure.  I want to change.  But who or what am I doing it for, and why?  I have read and "heard" that losing weight is 80% food and 20% exercise, but is it?  Maybe and maybe not, but whatever the stats, I don't want to be a statistic because I remain a burdened failure who will always be self-conscious and a complainer.  My question is, so, where do I begin?