The real truth is, I have made excuses. Here I am, someone who really has no clue what it is like to keep exercising and keep moving forward. I read other people's exercise blogs and sadly, I see a blog that pails in comparison to theirs. They are fit people who have health advice. I have little health advice to offer at this point. I can give viewpoints and reflections, and even results, but as far as being physically fit, I cannot. Yet I know that this is my blog. I have become as self-conscious about my appearance as I have about this blog. I wish I could tell myself to get over it, but just getting over it is not that simple. I have had this mindset that is all or nothing. I hope not, but I guess I am too much of a fatalist.
I am only 5'1.5" tall and weigh 300 + pounds. I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS for short. I have tried to overcome and have struggled with poor eating habits, a hormonal condition, stress, illness, and a lack of exercise. I would love to say that I am fat and lazy, and I wonder if others say the same thing about me. Over the years my self-esteem has lowered and I have become more self-conscious. I am confused about having this condition and often times I feel guilty about being the way that I am. I guess that an all-or-nothing mindset would equal an even greater struggle to lose weight than most. I realize that there are things about me that I can easily change, like drink more water, but automatically giving up or cutting back on processed food is a major struggle since much of the US diet is processed. I wish I could lift like a bodybuilder or dance well, but even that is a struggle.
I guess what I am saying is that I realize that there is a fine line in my case between being honest and making excuses. I want to thicken that fine line just once. If I could do it right now, I would. I would like to just go out there and do it. Maybe it is time to push myself like no one or nothing has, pushed me. I have failed, but I also realize that it doesn't have to make me a quitter or a failure. I want to change. But who or what am I doing it for, and why? I have read and "heard" that losing weight is 80% food and 20% exercise, but is it? Maybe and maybe not, but whatever the stats, I don't want to be a statistic because I remain a burdened failure who will always be self-conscious and a complainer. My question is, so, where do I begin?