Wednesday, August 3, 2016

July 5 re-post

I know that this is my blog, but I have come to realize that some changes need to be made.  It has become a blog about what everything else other than what an exercise blog is supposed to be about, and that is exercise.  I have spent a lot of that time complaining and posting articles, which has said much about my mindset.  It is okay to reflect and post results, but I was hoping for something more to offer, like maybe a change of title.  Anything has to be more productive than this blog.  It is more about me than an exercise routine or results.  I do want to follow an exercise routine.  I want to follow plans.  I guess that I should be okay with what I have, but if I were reading my blog, I would wonder where are the routines and other reflections about specified exercises.  The problem is, I want to have fitness goals that stick.  I don't like the daily grind about doing an exercise here and there hoping that it will be productive.  I would like to be a person who has made no excuses.

The real truth is, I have made excuses.  Here I am, someone who really has no clue what it is like to keep exercising and keep moving forward.  I read other people's exercise blogs and sadly, I see a blog that pails in comparison to theirs.  They are fit people who have health advice.  I have little health advice to offer at this point. I can give viewpoints and reflections, and even results, but as far as being physically fit, I cannot.  Yet I know that this is my blog.  I have become as self-conscious about my appearance as I have about this blog.  I wish I could tell myself to get over it, but just getting over it is not that simple.  I have had this mindset that is all or nothing.  I hope not, but I guess I am too much of a fatalist.

I am only 5'1.5" tall and weigh 300 + pounds.  I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS for short.  I have tried to overcome and have struggled with poor eating habits, a hormonal condition, stress, illness, and a lack of exercise.  I would love to say that I am fat and lazy, and I wonder if others say the same thing about me.  Over the years my self-esteem has lowered and I have become more self-conscious.  I am confused about having this condition and often times I feel guilty about being the way that I am.  I guess that an all-or-nothing mindset would equal an even greater struggle to lose weight than most.  I realize that there are things about me that I can easily change, like drink more water, but automatically giving up or cutting back on processed food is a major struggle since much of the US diet is processed.  I wish I could lift like a bodybuilder or dance well, but even that is a struggle.

I guess what I am saying is that I realize that there is a fine line in my case between being honest and making excuses.  I want to thicken that fine line just once.  If I could do it right now, I would.  I would like to just go out there and do it.  Maybe it is time to push myself like no one or nothing has, pushed me.  I have failed, but I also realize that it doesn't have to make me a quitter or a failure.  I want to change.  But who or what am I doing it for, and why?  I have read and "heard" that losing weight is 80% food and 20% exercise, but is it?  Maybe and maybe not, but whatever the stats, I don't want to be a statistic because I remain a burdened failure who will always be self-conscious and a complainer.  My question is, so, where do I begin?